The Saga continues....
I've been a busy girl. I have so much to do..and 14 days left to get it all done. However, today, I fear I will accomplish very little. I can't move. No, I'm not paralyzed..or in dire pain. I just don't want to move. I'm in bed with my laptop, a book, hot tea and the kids (dogs). It's cold out..and I just want a day..or a few hours to do nothing. I have crazy tinnitus (ringing in the ears)..I mean..it's so loud I can hear very little over it. I can barely think.
I have to rework my living will and my will and make them legal. This is very odd and a bit unnerving. I just paid my deposit to my NS office..$1250..and paid off my wedding dress with the final $500. It's so odd to plan a wedding and consider my final wishes in the same day. Every day seems to be a sharp contrast of emotions like that. It's very surreal.
I've been aching on the inside lately for relationships that I cannot mend. Not that I haven't tried. I've finally come to a point of piece with a few of them. Last night I dreamed that my ex-husband came and apologized, not that our relationship will ever be restored. He is happily remarried and I am happily engaged to my wonderful Bob. However, the apology..or even just burying the hatchet would be quite healing. In my dream he apologized and just after, Susan called. In the phone call there was no apology, but their was a peace that said.."We're okay." I don't know why I am allowing myself to hurt so over these relationships. I am totally out of control. I've apologized, asked forgiveness and said I'm sorry. Now I just have to let them go. The saddest part of divorce is that so many people feel like they have to choose sides. When you spend twenty years as part of a family, then you opt out..for whatever reason..sides don't have to be taken. Yet they are. Well meaning, God fearing, gospel proclaiming people still choose sides. Don't we serve the same God. What His Word taught me is that it is MY responsibility to live at peace with everyone.
I've found that one of my great character flaws is that I hold on too long. It's almost as if I'm addicted to harsh or rude treatment, and no matter what my brain says.....my heart hurts. I've asked God almost daily to help me let these people go and to soothe the ache. Some minutes I'm stronger..other minutes I'm weaker....but it is getting easier. I believe it's just the resolve that comes from knowing I have done my part to apologize and to live at piece. I need positive thoughts and energy around me.
I was on chiarisupport.org yesterday, and on the Colorado for Chiari FB page...on both of these there were posts from people about to have surgery going through the same fluctuating emotions. I feel more normal. I can not stress how much support I've gained from fellow Chiarians. Support pages, message boards, blogs and websites truly make the difference in my life daily. Being understood is priceless, knowing I've helped someone else..soothing to the soul.
I guess I'm saying all of this to just say I'm so grateful. I've had disappointments and broken relationships...and trust me..they hurt..yet, the new friends and contacts and support systems I've found are wonderful..it's an entirely different level of connection and I could not feel more blessed for these new people in my life.
SO, for now..I'll just sit here in my bed, with my tea and my kids..and I'll visit with my new friends and remind myself how truly blessed I really am.