Friday, April 5, 2013

Thoughts on Friendship from

Love, Loyalty and Friendship (alternate title: sometimes friends suck)

(Not a Chiari post--but I'm recovering and thinking about all of these tangents of life--so why not share them with you?)

There is a common problem in America.
No..not just America..I think it's a world-wide pandemic.
No loyalty.

OR--it could also be called-
"You just aren't that freaking important to me"

Whatever it is- I struggle with it.
My mom and I had a discussion about it just this week.
She taught me to be a good, loyal friend.
She taught me to think of others first.
She taught me to defer to put my wants, needs, desires, feelings, beneath others.
I was taught to not hurt feelings, to eat whatever I was offered (when I'm a guest) and to not ruffle feathers.
I guess it's a fine line-because-the flip side of this is becoming too submissive.
I submitted for twenty years to a man that abused it.
I lost my voice.
(Thank God a search party was finally sent out and I found the damn I can't shut it up!)

I was taught that a friend is a friend is a friend.
Every one wasn't taught that.
I've taught my children the same thing.
It has resulted in both of them being hurt over and over and over.
They (like myself) expect good of people.
They expect others to be loyal and true.
They expect  that other people care.

Now, don't get me wrong.
A few people DO care.
Most do not.
They say they do, they profess undying friendship..
Then-when you need them the most..or you make a mistake..they are outta there.
Let's face it, we all make mistakes. We misspeak..we have a bad day, we snap.
Then, we go to that person, admit our fault and ask for forgiveness.
In my past, (not to toot my own horn), I've done this.
As soon as I have one small, minute, ill thought or speak an ill word..the Holy Spirit slaps me.
I just CAN NOT DO IT and live with myself. Even if I know the other person has wronged me.
My problem is this.
I have no problem apologizing or asking forgiveness. I have had a lot of practice.
Yet, I can count the number of times it's happened in reverse on one hand.
I usually just let it go.
But I'll tell's getting harder and harder to just let it go. 

I want to understand what makes people tick.
I want to understand the person that thinks you owe them something. 
I don't mean respect or well treatment.
I mean the ones that say, "After all I've done FOR YOU.....".
Hello?  I thought we were being friends...had no idea you were keeping score!
SO, what?  I owe you something?
I owe it to you to not let your words sting..or not expect you to act like a freaking adult?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you....
Would you want me to present you with a list of what you owe me?
No--you wouldn't.
and honestly,
the times in my life I've heard this--it has totally changed the face of the relationship.
At that point, the relationship goes from friend to employee.
It goes from easy to "oh, I hope I don't seem ungrateful again".

What makes a group of girls be best friends with my daughter one day--
and then Tweet slander about her the next---FOR NO REASON-

My mom, almost 70 years old, has the same problems.
What causes your friends to be at lunch laughing with you one day..and then
spreading malicious rumors about you the next...and these ladies are obviously grown ups!

What happens? We get hurt.
We want real friends.
The ones that don't let you down..or at least, when they do..they own up to it.
None of us are perfect, plans change, lives change, moods change--
But my gosh--own up to it and be real.
Maybe that's it...
We (I know there is more than just my family) want honesty.
Be honest.

Do I offend you?
If so-why?
Am I too "in your face"?
Do I not lie enough?
If you ask me how I feel do I tell you...
Or is it because I've quit saying, "It's's really okay that you let me down"...See..that's a lie...and I'm refusing to do it anymore.

Now, this has always been an issue for me.
I have very few (maybe one) friends that have stuck with me consistently over the years.
Now, this one, our relationship has ebbed and flowed with family constraints, raising children, etc--but it's always been real. 
Now, at age 44..I treasure it.  I know I can count on this friend.
The times plans have changed..she has called and apologized and genuinely stated her faults and we moved on.  I've done the same with her.
Mutual respect. 

Maybe it's a respect thing..
This is what I know..
If someone continually tells you what a great friend you are...Watch out!
A  true friend (like a true Christian) doesn't have to tell others what they are.
Others know from actions. 

I know I'm rambling--this is just an issue no one addresses and lately, it's really hitting home with me and causing some major hurt.

I want to delve deeper into this thing called "Friendship"--what it is...what it is not...
How much disappointment is merely unmet expectations?
When do you call it quits on a friendship?
And how do you let someone go that you have invested in?
How do you turn off your love switch? I think mine is broken, because I can't.
Once I love someone..they are in with me and our souls are joined.
At least, I think they are..why do others not?
Am I just needy?
Or am I merely honest and realistic?

Perhaps this is all part of my brain healing from's overactive..
However, I plan to research this concept of "friendship"..
Maybe I'll even have a friendship seminar..write a book...or better yet...a curriculum.
I could have t-shirts printed and maybe bumper stickers.
"Be a forever friend...not a fake friend"..
"Friendship is non-negotiable"
"I'm friendly...Why aren't you?" (I like this one best)

And that, my friend (a term I use loosely)--is all I have to say on this subject for today.


  1. Hi Michele, it's Dave from Dave's Big Brain. I'm getting ready to do another post and was wondering if I could use your 10 day post-op picture in my blog. I want to talk about how we all not only experience Chiari differently, but we also experience surgery and recovery differently. I had minimally invasive so I have a relatively small zipper. Actually it probably doesn't really qualify as a zipper. Good luck with the wedding prep. Dave

  2. Hey Dave..Of course..use whatever you want. I am 10 weeks post op and still off work..much better but PT is brutal. How is your recovery going? My zipper is a deluxe model, 15 stitches..keep in mind I had an arachnoid cyst so mine had to go further up than most. Thanks for the well wishes..Michele