Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I'm sick of Chiari

I am sick of Chiari.
Because of Chiari I am sick.
I am mad at Chiari.
I'm angry that it's taken so much of my life.
How can I be mad at something so intangible?
If I'm mad at Chiari...does that ultimately mean I'm mad at myself?

I guess I am mad at myself.
So let me tell you about this time I was getting a massage, way before I was diagnosed.
Well, first--a little background-
I always had horrible neck muscle issues and every massage therapist had to comment on the knots in my neck.  They all had to tell me how bad it was for me to be under such stress (no one ever thinking, "hey, maybe her brain is screwed up and its making her hold her head weird and that's causing the muscle spasms"). In my mind I blamed my controlling ex-husband and my teenagers for the stress.
However, ultimately...I despised that I had these aches in my shoulders and neck.
And I further despised that it had to always become a topic to be discussed.
Massages were supposed to be soothing.
Soothe me damn it!...Don't critique me!
So I finally got to the point that prior to a massage, I would just tell the therapist all of my bodily flaws..It' was a rote verbalization..like in Ferris Bueller's Day Off..: "Bueller.....Bueller...Bueller.."
" back is screwed up"
" neck is screwed up"
"spine is curved abnormally"
"hips are crooked"
 "I can't take deep massage pressure, because, honestly, It hurts to even think about you touching me--that's how screwed up I know I am"

So, like I was saying,  this one time, as I'm going through this list, the therapist sticks her hand up, stops me and says, "Oh honey, love your body, say good things about it, it can hear you".

I was so caught off guard that I burst into tears. I did dislike my body.
My body,
My inability to stick to an exercise plan.
The sniveling weak submissive excuse for a woman that I became in the presence of my ex (then current) husband.
I hated many things about myself.
I had to work at saying positive things..and it still didn't happen very often
SO- I hated that about myself too

I finally divorced the ex-
Did over a years' worth of grueling in depth therapy.
Learned to love me.
Allowed myself to love someone else and to be fully and completely loved.
Yet I still have trouble loving my body.

I'm embarrassed to admit it.
I still have a very negative self-image.
I'm still mad at myself.
I'm not sure why.
I want to fix it.
I don't know how.

I just want to be well.
I'm just tired of not being well.
I know it's selfish when others are so much sicker.
There are much worse illnesses.
I am just tired of being the sick person.
I just want to scream.
And hit something.
..and take a really really long nap in which I wake up and everything is right with the world..and my head doesn't hurt.

I'm sick of Chiari.
Because of Chiari, I am sick. 

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