Pursue Life With Passion

I

Brain surgery blues?  Been there, done that...(still doing it most days)...But there is so much more to life than that part of who I am. 

Who are you?  Who do you want to be?  What is it worth to you?   

I ask myself these questions on an almost daily basis when I have to kill the desire in me to stay in bed and nurse a headache, dizziness or vision problems...some days the pain wins, but most days...living life wins.  I whisper to myself, "Get that rebel inside you up and moving..."  So that's what I do, and it's not easy, but I want life more than I want  to  feel comfortable.   Pain is just pain, so unless it's knocking me down...I keep myself on track for the day.  This is why I do what I do now.  I coach other women to defy pain, emotional, physical, spiritual. Breathe new vigor into their life. Resurrect their inner rebel.  Live out loud.  AND--I LOVE IT!

I love the thought that my passion for life may be inspiring to my (very grown-up) children...After sleepwalking through an unlived life for twenty years, the past 5 have been a roller coaster of passion, travel, writing, creativity, brain surgeries, moves, new frontiers and not backing down from any challenge that came along the way. I love the ‪#‎bigmagic‬ that is continually flowing through my life. My hope is that my two creative, passionate, brilliant kiddos continue to pursue their dreams & live life on their own terms with the unique gifts they each bring to the world.

So how about you? Time to #resurrectyourinnerrebel?   I'm your girl.  Visit my website to schedule a strategy session...You can transform your life.  www.michelecollum.com

Writing Around In Circles Until The Truth Comes Out

Each time I start to write, thinking something profound will come from my words, 

Nothing does. 

I have all of these profound thoughts to share with the world about how it feels to live with Chiari, and how it feels to live with a history of emotional abuse, 

and how it feels to just want life to be "normal".

I stare here blankly at the screen, in my dedicated writing time 

and I'm blocked. 

I realize now that the block is not caused because there is nothing to say. 

The block is because so many words can't fit through my mind hole and filter down to my fingertips. 

Like rushing waves crashing agains a dam, waiting for the spillway to open up. 

All I feel is loss. 

For a person that is upbeat on a most regular basis,

A princess that has found her prince, 

An heiress to grace, 

All I feel is loss. 

No, no loved ones have passed away. 

No further tragedies have occurred. 

My loss is deeper, graver, 

Etched into my being. 

I'm often reminded of the tragedy of the unlived life. 

I vow with all that is in me that my story will be one that is lived out in technicolor. 

As I vow, a tear rolls down my cheek 

and I wonder. 

What hinders me in living my dreams full out? 

What keeps me small and still (at times)? 

And what is my purpose really to be? 

Is it to be the mouthpiece and the spokesperson for all who suffer with my same neurological disorder? 

Is it to help carry the broken to shore while mending their limbs? 

Is it to be strong and true and keep putting myself out there in relationships with friends who will never remain friends and family that barely remains family and a public who forgets heroes as quickly as they appear? 

Should my writing be more dramatic? More factual? More autobiographical? 

And quite honestly, does anyone really care? 

Should anyone care? 

Should it matter that children are starving in our country and all over the world? 

Should it matter than an unfathomable number of pregnancies are terminated in the womb? 

Should it matter that churches oppress people to the point of abuse...While using the name of God? 

Does my voice even matter anymore? 

Am I effectively ineffective? 

Where are those who vehemently supported me in leaving an abusive marriage? 

Where are they now but in the camp of my abuser? 

Where are they who supported me through my surgeries, held my hand when I was fearful, 

Eased my pain? 

Hiding behind their own wounds I suppose. 

The ones I inflicted when the great darkness came and I fell into loss. 

These thoughts go through my head and I slay them one by one. 

I cover the transgression with love and bid it farewell, 

To be neither seen nor dealt with again. 

And that works just great until another blow hits. 

Another pain surfaces. 

Another blow that hits below the belt and crumbles me into a pile of rubble. 

Then once again it smashes down and I begin the slow march to restoration. 

So today, with a headache and blurry vision, I am digging myself again from the rubble. 

Going through the motions-Getting from A to B. 

Getting the work done...and most definitely doing the work. 

The work of living, of pushing forward, of pushing through. 

I'm grinning and bearing it (with out the grin). 

I just wish it didn't have to be so hard. 

Honestly, all I want is one day without some sort of physical pain. 

The emotional pain I can handle (I think).

I just want to have no pain...just for today. 

Aren't I selfish?

I know...I'll do what really works. 

I'll just smile and say I'm okay.

Works every time. 

Release

Like many people, I can be really shallow. 

I can take a situation, look at its surface, it's perceived appearance and make a quick, split-second assumption. 

Dangerous. 

Like many other people, I can be really deep. 

Actually, I sort of live in the deep end. 

I'm one of those people that dissects every aspect of my life, troubling situations and normal day-to-day activities. 

Still Dangerous. 

In my world, the world of entrepreneurs and the world of emotional damage and the world of Chiari and the world of writers (which I've got to admit is a weirdo freakazoid mix)...

In this weird, unparalleled, totally random mix of characters...self-inspection is a vital act. Self-inspection provides the life blood, the energizing force that drives creativity, healing, forgiveness, blame, intention, sorrow, bliss, awe, control, lack of control, frustration, perfectionism and random humor. 

As an entrepreneur, I depend on this life blood, this catalyst to spark the next project or offer, as a survivor of emotional abuse...I let my experiences fuel my passion for helping others move past their scars to a life of receiving, as a woman with Chiari Malformation Type 1 and two brain surgeries under her belt,  this energy shakes me out of bed on the worst days and challenges me continually to press on regardless of what symptom might be tossed my way. And, as a writer,  this same self- inspection forces my hand every time I sit down to write.  It leads me to a place of truth regardless of pain, shame, blame, guilt or regret.  I often find I write better during these moments, they are more comforting to me than those unfamiliar thoughts/feelings  of love, security, joy, happiness. 

Sometimes, I have to reel myself in and Tame The Beast. 

That's my pet name for living life in the zone of "what if" ...

"What if I have to have another surgery?"  

"What if I don't?"

"What if my writing never sells?"

"What if it does?"

"What if the truth is that I am defective and undeserving of love?"

"What if I am?" 

Success is just as scary as failure in my world.  Honestly, it's all scary. 

From moments of feeling fine to suddenly dizzy, shaky and ready to throw up, 

Being able to exercise three days in a row to three days of being in bed. 

No headache moments to excruciating headache within seconds. 

The only thing I seem to be able to plan for is that whatever the plan is, it's sure to change. 

Then getting caught up in the horrible "What Ifs" 

This only adds to my misery and confusion. 

Yesterday, I had a Scarlett O'Hara moment.. You know, the moment when you fling yourself on the bed in a fit of tears and wail as you cry.  (If you don't know what I'm talking about...stop reading now, this blog isn't for you).

Fortunately, I had a friend talk me down...talk me through and get me back into reality about where I am in life and just what hell I've been through. 

My last 3 years....almost unbelievable.   My last 9 months...I should sell the movie rights. (my entrepreneurial mind is always at work).  

My friend suggested my current major health issue.. and infection that is being stubborn, so stubborn in fact that I am on my 8th... count 'em EIGHTth round of antibiotics, which is what sent me in to the Scarlett moment... My friend suggested that perhaps the metaphysical parallel is correct... that the infection keeps coming back to the same area because I am "pissed off" at someone. 

Some ONE?  How about Some TWENTY or so?   As we talked, I saw the faces in my mind of the people who have hurt me over the past year or so, they have abandoned me, or lied about me, or manipulated words to shed a bad light on me, or professed to love me...then when I needed them most they turned away...oooh.. or the big one---they hurt my child.  I ran the hurt roster through my head to determine just which person was the culprit.  Who am I focusing so much anger on that  I'm keeping myself sick?  Which one?  The jerk ex husband that has made up so many stories about me that even HE believes them now?  Or maybe the ex-friend that claimed and professed her undying love and friendship only to pack up all of her friend toys and get the heck out of Dodge when she saw the cowboys coming.  How about the other friend that cares so little about my condition that she can't even remember what it is...Now that would make anyone upset.  

Alas, what I realized at the end of the list of sins of others was that none of these "others" really brought up any anger in me.  Disappointment, yes. Sadness, yes. Loss, of course. 

My final conclusion (insert drumroll here), I'm mad at MYSELF. 

I closed myself off,  shut myself down, built a really sturdy wall and dared anyone to come in.   I'm upset with myself for doing that.  I'm upset with my body for not being stronger.  I'm enraged that I can't do all of the things other people can do.  No, not mad at God.  Mad at myself.   Mad that I get sucked into the "what ifs".  Mad that I am not able to continually shake it off and keep coming back for more with no ill effects.  Mad that at the end of the day I am what I feared all along:

I am merely human.

I'm not a super hero or a martyr. I'm not special or chosen or set apart. I am not indestructible or saintly.  I'm just your average, ordinary girl from Mississippi who gets scared of things that go bump in the night. 

I am neither immune to the "What If" Beast  that taunts me in my weakest moments nor am I so benevolent that I can't just continue relationships with people that have hurt me as if nothing ever happened.   

So the conclusion, the answer...the way to  sort this out in my mind.  One simple, easy word: RELEASE. 

Easy to say, hard hard hard to do. 

So today, I'm practicing releasing.  Releasing fears, expectations, guilt, blame, false beliefs, anger, bitterness. And I'm releasing myself from the constraints I put on myself to be SuperHuman.  Today, I start taking it as it comes with no pretense or anxiety.  I live in the moment. 

I am okay being all of the things that make up ME. 

And once again, all is right in the world. 

Well...almost. 

Open Apology to the Chiari Community

So, you honestly may not remember me.

There was a time I posted to my blog daily, even hourly.

Then.... I....stopped.

Why did I stop? What caused me to drop off the face of the planet for several months?

Whenever this thought or question came up in my mind, I blamed  it on several things: family issues, working on my new business, moving...the list goes on and on.  All of these are very valid reasons.  The family issues you wouldn't believe if I told you...I mean, it's the stuff movies are made of...and the business-- yes, it's been difficult to transition my love of helping others into a business... and moving, well, if you've ever moved, you know the drill.

However, last night, one of the worst Chiari-symptom nights I've had in quite a while...my own truth smacked me right in the face.

SMACK!!!   "SNAP OUT OF IT!!!"  I literally yelled at myself.

The ugly truth?  I wanted to be done.  Finished with the Chiari story.  I wanted to live above it all. I wanted to keep all of my symptoms, pain,  fear to myself.  I wanted my last surgery to be my LAST surgery.

I mean really, who cares if my depth perception is almost non-existence and I can't stand driving?  Who really wants to know that my head has been hurting for about the past 10 months straight?  Why does it matter if I'm having trouble swallowing again or if bladder issues are intermittently rearing their ugly heads?   Does it really matter  if I have tremors, numb spots and am continually saying the wrong word at the wrong time to the wrong people?

Because of all of this.. Isn't it better to  turn a blind eye to it, make everyone in my world assume I'm better and just get the hell over it?

I just wanted to make it stop!

I just wanted normal stressors to be normal stressors.

In moments of weakness, I went to doctors, I had MRI's... and I never followed up on results or even sent my MRI's to the neurosurgeon that ordered them.  Worse than that...I have never even looked at them myself.

I'm a fraud, I'm a sham, I'm a fake.

I put myself out into the world to be this Chiari Crusader...and I don't even want to face my own illness anymore.

What did I do?  I hopped on a plane every chance I got to go anywhere in the world that I could find a purpose to go.  I ran.  I dug myself in to my business... noble as it may be.. I dug in to helping others manage their lives with Chiari or A-cysts, or their lives after abuse... or their  small businesses.
I really did.. I dug in and did all of these things.

I became a champion at handling my personal anxiety surrounding the trauma in our family.  You know the drill... 2 Flexeril and a Klonopin and the anxiety just melts away... Then I could get down to business.

I could work. Work, work, work.
I could write. Write, write, write.
I could ignore. Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.
I could blame. Blame. Blame. Blame.

Yes, I could do it all...No Chiari was going to rain on my parade.  No one was going to tell me to slow down.  No one else's opinion even began to matter.

All doctors are idiots and I'm going to prove it by not needing one.

Until last night,  last night it all came crashing down.  Last night, I needed a doctor.  Last night, I needed a Chiari friend, like the ones that I used to text in the middle of the night.  The ones that quit speaking to me when I started pretending I was no longer "sick".  Last night,  my world became purple again.

Last night, honestly... I was scared. 

Last night, I realized how I had abandoned the very community I set out to help.  I was so busy being annoyed that no one reached out to me in my time of need (except for one..you know who you are)...I realized I had shut myself down.  I was NOT serving others.  I was serving my own ego, my sense of pride and wearing my badge of martyrdom as an invisible chip on my shoulder.

SO here, I apologize to you, my tribe, my Chiari sisters and brothers and I vow to stop ignoring my condition, stop ignoring the cold hard FACT that we all need each other...and to stop ignoring the Fact that no matter how much I "say it isn't so"... things in my body are just not right.  It's time to seek to another neurosurgeon, find a local neurologist and to face what's happening.  It's time to get involved again, risk caring about people again and make amends where they are due.

To my family...You are all right.  I need to slow down.  I need to be where I am and let go of the guilt and shame that surround where I am.

No, I'm not stopping my business.  On the contrary, I'm still pursuing it with all of the gusto I can muster.  As one of my mentors, Gina DeVee often says, I'm "taking a stand for the AND".   Chiari and Coach can exist in the same body.  I do not have to forsake dealing with one in order to succeed with the other.

I am giving my health it's rightful place in my life, making finding a new set of doctors a priority and making a conscious effort to reconnect with the community I do love so very much.  I am proclaiming it to you...even though you may not know me...because I believe in going back to basics, back to the core of who I am and how I got to where I am now.  At the core, we are the same. We have the same basic struggles, basic fears.  You are my tribe.  

Thank you in advance for your understanding. Please comment any thoughts or insights below...I'll be seeing you around in all of the old familiar groups and of course at  the Conquer Chiari Walk in 2015 (not sure which location just yet).

Thank you for reading this post and for your support.

Michele

www.michelecollum.com

When Pain Enters The Game

 

What really happens when pain enters the game? When our bodies

unwillingly dive into fight or flight mode? When the silent (or not so silent) alarm

goes off within our neurotransmitters that alerts us to pain?

Physical, blatant, oh-damn-that-really-hurt pain. Invisible, silent, my-life-willnever-

be-the-same pain. Screaming, shouting, why-won’t-they-listen-to-me pain.

Aching, longing when-will-it-ever-stop pain.

I’m sure there are many other types of pain…but these four strike me tonight.

These four seem to swarm around my life like a perpetual beehive of activity.

Waning for moments here and there..then bursting through with an unmistakeable

buzz and an unconsolable bite.

Physically, I am daily challenged by a life of chronic pain. Getting out of bed

is continually an act of will…something I must do in an effort to prevent being

sucked in to a life of woe and misery. A life filled with doctor appointments and

outrage at the medical community. A life riddled with more and more and more

instruments and foreign objects being jammed into my head, making me less me

and more synthetic. In particular, I’m challenged by daily activities, walking my

dog, carrying groceries, lugging my luggage around the airport. Previously, I wrote

about this pain daily…only to find the more I wrote about it… the more I dwelt

upon it.

Emotionally, I am a bit of a hot mess. I have this amazing life that makes me

so grateful it brings me to tears. I have this past life, where I’m continually being

burned at the stake, which also brings me to tears. My tears flow in gratefulness

because I now see that God is pouring out on me the blessings I was told long ago I

was not worthy to receive. I was told I was stupid, I wanted to much and I needed

to stop trying to be “Billy Graham” in everyone’s lives. I was told church wasn't

important and that I was an embarrassment to be seen with. I was told I wasn’t

worth the medical bills I incurred and that a “bullet is cheaper”.

That was my story, and my underlying belief for many long years. I wore

shame like an ill-fitting cloak as I prayed to God for a sign, a reason… some basic

worth. Until one day, like Elizabeth Gilbert said, “the only thing more difficult

than leaving, was staying”. So, like Elizabeth...I made a decision… to pray, (you know, like

...to God) to make peace with

God and to leave that  abusive facade of a marriage, praying that even if God left me alone for the

rest of my life, I would be okay with it because I would be free of scorn and

ridicule, I would live without fear and life would become a virtual bed of roses.

The truth is, I am not free. The more time that passes- the grander the stories

about me grow. That causes more pain. Sure, there is the "sticks and stones may break my bones but words

will never hurt me" approach.  Let's get real, who did that ever work for?

I want to scream at the top of my lungs:

“Haven’t you hurt me enough?”, "Haven't you hurt our children enough?"

“When can I stop being your whipping boy?” and

my favorite way to put a spin on it , “Wow, you must still be really hung up on me to make up all of

that…”

Pain comes from “friends” and “family”. People who have turned  a blind eye to what

has happened to you because he is part of their family.  (Gentle reminder, so was I for over twenty

years) That’s fine, support your family...but does it have to be an either or?  Did I cease to be a person

because I chose to cease to be a victim?

 

Emotional pain comes from rejection. Even within the Chiari communities ,

rejection happens. The very minute I started standing up and declaring I would go

against the odds and this disorder would not rule me…my allegiances changed. I

became an outcast, a loner, a freak. I take no scheduled meds and only contact my

neurosurgeon on the rarest of occasions. I want to move forward, shake it off and

still LIVE. So what if I have to take two muscle relaxers and a clonazepam upon

returning home from a trip-- I am LIVING!  I am seeing the world. I am going for it in life.

For this, I am judged. I am scorned for not “checking in on people”…though no one seems to

notice that “no one” is checking in on me. Will I always be the girl showing up with a casserole when

others are sick,  only to find on my darkest days...guess what?  No Casserole.

Did you know that two way streets really do go two ways?

Then family tragedies hit.. and the “friends”, they scatter like flies. Pain

results. The pain of really longing for a friend to just sit down and pray with you.

Or to even care enough to ask questions. The longing for understanding, for acceptance, for just a simple

hug.

I suppose this really is just an essay about pain in its many forms.  Real pain. Pain that has grown from

neglectful parents. Pain that has been watered by harsh words and neglect. Pain

that seems so uncontrollable that though it be emotional, it is felt physically and it

will not be silenced.

Feeling like a single parent. The weight of the world on my shoulders. The

joy of triumphs with the children and then the agony of defeat. The sheer agony

of knowing a child has been so traumatized that mom’s TLC won’t help. The fear

that inappropriate advances were made by a family member..knowing that story lies

just beneath the surface-waiting to pierce through and reveal itself at any given

moment. The pain of an unjust legal system and the search for good (and affordable

resources for PTSD).  Knowing I'm going it alone in this area simply because I'm still

being punished by an ex husband that is too blind to see that his efforts to hurt me and

make me "pay" for some contorted sin he made up to justify his own lack of parenting is

only hurting his children. Then the realization that he hides behind a church pew while he

dishes out his untrue, justifying and blatantly neglectful edicts results in a different type

of spiritual pain that is better left for another essay.

Pain… it comes in all flavors, it’s fat-free and has no carbs or calories.

However..this pain, it keeps us small. No one really wants to know pain, yet

everyone wants transformation. Everyone wants to evolve, to grow, to level up. In

perfect balance, transformation cannot occur without pain. So we must be careful

what we want, really inspect the desires of our hearts and ready ourselves for the

aches and pains that lend to metamorphosis.

I believe my part of the pain process is to acknowledge it, and assign it a

home, a label, a purpose. As a master chef, I slice it, dice it, stir-fry it and serve it

up beautifully until I can swallow it completely…typically doing so just before it

takes over and ultimately consumes and controls every aspect of who I am.

I imagine this to be how depression feels…long bouts of pain on steroids.

Hurt, rage, guilt, shame all morphing into such a heavy burden that it’s victim is

weighed down with it to the point of becoming paralytic.

So today, I write about pain. Tomorrow… I may write about pain again. Or

perhaps joy… or perhaps daffodils… But what I truly believe is that I will continue

to write about pain until its all written out of me and I am free of it. I share it with

you because if what’s most personal is most universal, then you struggle with pain as

well.

Behind every perfect smile and in every “perfect” home, pain lurks in

the corners, in the silence, in the dark. Those without voices are consumed by it.

Those with voices cannot hold it in. Truth will always be revealed. No matter how

much it may fight to stay hidden. I believe the truth of pain lies in our very core, in

who we are, who we were always intended to be.

I believe the denial of its existence is like scoffing at God and His divine plan. I

believe pain is part of the fiber of our being… so what I truly believe is that pain

doesn't enter the game. Pain merely sits patiently in on the sidelines until we are

available to play.

In today's contest, I emerge as the victor.  I will rest my weary bones, soothe

my tear-worn eyes and ready myself for the next match.

What I know now is that using my voice is more than half of the battle.

Visit my new website www.michelecollum.com to see just how I'm using my voice. 

Become A Student Of Life

As I am reaching yet another Zipperversary...well, in about 4 weeks anyway...
I am taking time to ponder everything that has happened over the course of the past year.
This time last year I was prepping for a second brain surgery...had just moved to Dallas and just started a new job.  My husband and I had started our own business and we were busily laying its foundation.

Then it happened- a quick review of an MRI sent me back to Houston for testing and surgery. Round two of brain surgery recovery began.

As recovery began, our business activity slowed down. Everything slowed down.  The surgery was deemed a success, though my vision would beg to differ.  I set about on a journey to get my vision "fixed" - to no avail.  Apparently, my brand of vision difficulty is a mystery...which should come to no surprise to anyone  who has Chiari.  We always seem to be the ones that defy the medical books.. that keep the doctors just shaking their heads.

While dealing with this vision issue-- I managed to keep my job, take several business trips (and a few trips just for fun).. visiting family and friends in Ohio.

August found me hanging out in Paris, France for a week or so, for both work and pleasure.  Seeing Paris with my daughter is one of the highlights of my life- I'll never forget it.

In September, I began a certification program  to become a Transformational Coach, specializing in helping women reclaim their lives after divorce, abuse, trauma or chronic illness diagnosis. We took a brief trip to Ocala, FL to visit our family and friends there,  and I even made it to the Houston Conquer Chiari Walk Across America, where I was excited to spend a few days with a dear friend in the Houston area.

In October... I went to Hawaii for a little over a week, where I simply marveled at the beauty around me.  Before that, there was a business trip weekend in Long Beach, CA, where I wore high heels for the first time since  surgery.  It was both excruciating and elating!   For a few minutes, before it became unbearable--I even felt pretty.

The end of October brought sadness to our family in a form that I still have trouble discussing.  We are still reacting to this trauma as we slowly heal. Very, very slowly.

Since then, there has been a blur of travel, school, work, healing, tears, stress, loneliness, exhaustion. My daughter graduated from college and I've been to  Southern Indiana, Miami, Memphis and Sydney, Australia.

I am still working, trucking through school- and I go back to Paris in about 8 weeks.

I can no longer make sense of what life is now or what it was.  Everything seems upside down at times, while other times it makes perfect sense.

This is what I know.   I've grown through it all.  I've let go of people who I should've never held on to. I discovered the difference in a friend and an acquaintance.  I found that the strangest people become support in the most difficult times-- and it's never who you think it will be.  I've found that people mistake pain for indifference and that at the end of the day, the people who one can really count on are those who they least suspected to be there.   I have found that tears are truly unending..they just never run dry. I've found that sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is just lay down and indulge myself in a good, long, sobbing cry.

The problem with crying is that it makes my head hurt, then my ears ring, then I get dizzy, my vision gets wonky and I'm done for.  So, I tend to just hold it all in as long as possible until a breaking point comes and my defenses hit the ground.

So I guess my point is this--  I've survived yet another year after yet another brain surgery.  I have packed more into this last year than most people pack into a lifetime.  I have ached over losing people who never thought twice or looked back and I've gained a great many new people who seemingly appeared from nowhere, yet made all the difference.  I've learned that getting too attached to this world can be dangerous, but not getting in the game of life can be lethal.

I'm fully in the game. I am transforming the lives of women everyday through my work. I am slowly healing my own wounds and praying for the continued healing of our family.  I've ac
cepted about myself that I'm living life the only way I know how... with all my cards on the table.. I am all in.  No halfway, no mind games, no agenda.   No time for "I can't"  "I shouldn't" or "Maybe later".  No apologizing for who I am, what I stand for or what my desires are.   I have the love and support of an amazing man...a family that loves me and a career I am passionate about.

Beautiful coastline of Australia, photo taken on the Bondi to Coogee Coastal Walk near Sydney, Feb. 2015

So as I review the past year and look to the year ahead... I visualize more places I will travel (Paris, Los Angeles, Spain (several cities), Savannah Ga, St. George, Grenada-- already in the works!!), more lives I will touch, more people who will fill me up with joy, tears and amazement.  I love setting goals and reaching them...I encourage you to do the same.   Life is so much sweeter when every person you meet and every thing that occurs is viewed as a teacher. (Yes, even our pain is a teacher...learn from it)  Then you are free to learn all you can from everything, soak it in and then release the person or event back into the world.  Become a student of your own life.  I promise you, your outlook on everything will change.  Mine sure did.

Living It Up Down Under

My daughter and I out shopping in Sydney, Australia

Sorry I haven't posted in quite awhile.  

So a few updates: 

I finished my Sugar Detox... felt great during it and afterwards.  I was really glad to have my coffee back every morning... I have noticed a connection between gluten and tinnitus... so am not gluten free- but very conscious of how much I take in. 

My coaching business is going well.  Though I did have a week of Chiari headaches last week and three days of vertigo... I've been able to keep the plates spinning, work and handle my clients while also investing time in self-care-it makes all the difference. 

Several days ago...(I've truly lost count)...we boarded a plane and flew 14 hours to beautiful Sydney Australia, where I am meeting with other coaches from around the world. 

Besides a little jet lag on the first day.. I have never felt better...or in more harmony with my life, work and purpose. 

Last night I attended a beautiful Soiree, wore heels.. and besides the fact that my left foot is numb again (I've learned heels=numbness),  it was fabulous.   I am so thankful to God for leading me to this place in life where I am able to travel this beautiful world and to encourage and be encouraged by so many purpose driven and like minded women.  

I will post more  later... Have a beautiful day today! (I'm sending this message from your tomorrow!) 

Sugar Detox: Day 8

One week down. Two to go.  Don't I look happy?

I'm trying to make every decision about food, exercise, business, life, relationships...well, every
decision about everything- very personal and purposeful.

I had no joiners in the detox... NONE! Apparently, it's too difficult to give up sugar, soy, caffeine, alcohol, gluten and dairy all at once.-- NO KIDDING!!!  So, I had to decide just how badly I wanted to detoxify my body... and I truly want to.  Paraphrasing Rose Cole (and I'm sure doing a poor job of it.. my apologies, Rose), she says that not being able to control my diet is like telling God I've got all I can handle and can't handle any more...any more success, any more responsibility, any more of anything. When I look at this detox, and my life through the lens Rose presents... Well,  It makes every decision much more important. Each conversation more meaningful.

My truest desire is to impact the world.  How can I impact the world if I'm unable to impact my own health?  I mean  I do what I can do for my health.  Eat the right foods. Move my body.  I know, I know.. we are zipperheads. We have holes in our skulls, most of us have loose joints due to Ehlers-Danlos and many of us have cranio-cervical Instability....but we can move.  Maybe not jump... (Okay, definitely not jump)...and running is taboo... but we can move.  Those of us that can walk.. well, we CAN walk.. and we should.. or ride a bike.  Do yoga, pilates or floor work.  I've started doing simple exercises with cans of soup or veggies...EVERY movement helps.

So.. to sum up my week... It's been really smooth and easy.  Since brown rice is on the menu, that has been my staple.  I also made a beautiful soup from  some uber colorful gourmet carrots, cabbage and quinoa.  The ringing in my ears that had persisted for awhile now was gone after the first 24 hours.
All in all it's been really easy and I am rarely hungry.  I have to even remind myself to eat.  I drink lots of water...and the only real craving I have is for blueberries and oranges... but I'm muddling through.  Heck.. I'm almost halfway there!

This is the truth of it.   I really am ready for more.  More business, more travel, more of life.  My desires in this life, in this world...I choose to do what ever it takes to receive them.  No silly brain surgeries are going to hold me back. All they have done is give me enough extra grit to feel empowered enough to reach for the stars.

Do you have desires?  (Notice I don't say dreams...a mentor of mine once said, "little girls have dreams, women have desires") Do you want to move forward, beyond your current reality?

Are you not quite sure how to do it?  Well, my friend, neither was I...but I kept plugging away until I found my niche, my tribe, my calling.   What I know now is to act with intention and faith, take inspired action and the how will come.

So as small as it sounds, one of my inspired actions is a 21-day sugar detox.   Start small..but don't play small with yourself.  If you don't like your your life...change it.  It's your story..You can change your story.  The world is waiting for the special gift only you can contribute.

Wanna try a the detox.. click here for the one I am doing.  Add yourself to my mailing list for special offers and handouts...You'll be glad you did!

21-Day Detox: Day 1

As an experiment to see what food sensitivities I may have, I'm doing a 21 Day Sugar Detox.  I'm following a plan prepared by Rose Cole.  I am removing the following from my diet: all sugar and sugar substitutes, caffeine, gluten, soy, dairy and alcohol.   I am halfway through Day One and am missing caffeine already.

Wanna join me?  Here is the link to the detox I am following.. http://www.rosecole.com/handouts/21DaySugarDetox.pdf

I have a chat with Rose Cole tomorrow morning, so I'll pass along any pointers.

I can't wait to see how my brain reacts to this!  At least life is always interesting! 

Feeling Isolated?

Speaking truth in this critical world is never easy.
Occasionally, I get an email or comment  from some stranger that has read a blog post who will
tell me to quit whining, or that every one has problems or to "not quit my day job".
And, occasionally, I get an email or comment from someone that reminds me that speaking truth
in this critical world is necessary, however, it is rarely popular.
So, if it's okay with you...I'll keep writing about the uncomfortable topics in life.   Just remember, you make the choice to come to this site and to read.  Your participation is optional.  My writing is not.

I have spent several months of the past year taking classes... business classes, coaching classes, personal development classes, writing workshops, nutritional classes.  I've learned that I am a perpetual student.  I have this deep inner drive to learn, to grow, to expand my mind, to see all I can and to soak up every detail.  Through these learning experiences, I connect with people.  I engage. I fully commit to each relationship. I see the face value of a person.. the surface, the first impression and I totally engage, lock in, relate, love, befriend and care for. Sometimes I see this as a blessing, other times its a curse.

I am now 9 months post op for my second brain surgery...and almost two years post op for the first one.  After all of this time, when I weigh the painful times, the dizzy times, the hearing loss, the speech issues, and currently-the vision problems that alter my activities on a daily basis, I can honestly say the worst part has been the isolation.


Being separated from activities and people has been the hardest part. While yes, I've been in multiple classes and know many people. Chiari is a very isolating condition.  Initially, people are involved..but over time, these same well-intending people fall by the wayside.  The expectation is that Chiari surgery is like any other... you get diagnosed, go under the knife, take a few weeks to recover and you're good to go.   Now, wouldn't that be nice?

On the contrary,  that's not what happens.  What happens is that some symptoms are relieved, some are not, some symptoms worsen, some disappear completely and some new ones arise.  So every day is a new day.  One of my dear friends developed nerve damage after her surgery that was causing worse pain than she had before, so she then needed a second surgery to relieve the nerve damage. Yet another friend developed a post op infection that has eroded  her skull, so now she lives in danger every day. Yet another now wears a brace for even the of shortest car rides, without it the pain is unbearable.  For me?  My surprise takeaway from surgery is my vision... or the lack thereof.

Much of my isolation comes from this rather than pain. I'm thankful for the lack of pain. However, I am very social and thrive on relationships. Now, I find myself often frustrated and even angry that I can't participate in my life like I did before.  Let me explain. I am limited in the distance I can drive by myself...and I know I better drive early in the day before my neuro system fatigues. AND- I'm a better driver when not in traffic. (and I live in Dallas-so good luck with that!)  Just yesterday, my son flew up to Dallas for a few hours.  I drove to the airport, took him to pick up his new car, had lunch, then went to Whole Foods.  I was in heavy traffic part of the time--very visually stimulating. However, I actually felt pretty good. Not really tired at all.  So after I'm at Whole Foods for about 30 minutes, my eyes started to have this weird feeling  that I always know means..."Hey, we're about to be done for the day, so we hope you aren't driving."   But, of course, I was driving.

I stopped my shopping immediately and went to check out.  Thank Goodness! No Line!  But by the time I got finished checking out.. I couldn't see the numbers on the pin pad  to  put in my debit card PIN. And I was in Arlington, 35 minutes from home.  I got in my car, and drove very slowly and cautiously home.  Traffic was light, yet it still took about 55 minutes to get home.  I walked,  found the bed and collapsed.  A heard few text messages had come in my phone.  I looked at them, but couldn't read them and the light from the phone was harsh.  My eyes burned and the double vision was exhausting.   I closed my eyes and mentally checked out for a little while. Visually, my day was over.

Now I don't say all of this for pity or as an excuse for not showing up for life sometimes.   I guess I just feel that someone else has to relate to this.  I back out of many things because I know I can't do them alone.  Like, driving to Waco, where my son lives.  I just don't go that far anymore without someone with me.  I can't trust that I will get safely home.   My doctors have no explanation and can't determine how to help.  I even feel guilty for complaining about it because in my mind I think it could be so much worse. I could be in great pain every day like many people with Chiari.  I'm one of the lucky ones.

Fortunately, I am able to go and do many other things.  I can hop on a plane and travel. I am seeing the world in a whole different way now.  I can use Uber when driving is precarious. I can Skype with clients and business colleagues.  However, what I really miss, what I lack...close personal relationships with people I can see, touch, hug.

I wonder how many people feel this way? Do you feel isolated? How do you cope? As you see others living their lives without you...as if you were never part of their world...do you wonder if they even notice?

I'm in many Facebook groups...and I see many bitter and upset people. I try to not engage in much discussion because it seems so many of us are so angry. I see bullying by some people and I see others taking advantage, using false fundraisers even a few drug seekers.  Is it the isolation that causes the bitterness? Is it anger?

So, you can see where a super social person like myself has trouble with isolation.  In my world, things have changed.  Living with the ups and downs of Chiari combined with  an emotionally paralyzing family trauma, my innate desire for relationships and personal connection has become quite problematic.  Isolation is not my friend...but has become my constant companion.

True to my nature..I speak my truth.  I reach out to people and say I miss them OR I get upset with them for not reaching out to me.. or to us.  I am not afraid to say what I need or that I'm hurt or disappointed... or all of the above.  I have learned though to speak it and leave it. Responses are rarely curative and most often hurtful.

So, the cure for feeling isolated?  Perhaps there isn't one.  I now believe that people come and go in our lives for a season. They aren't all meant to stay.  It's nothing personal. It just is.  Accept them as pilgrims on the same journey. The few that stay, they are the blessing. Love them. Cherish them. Celebrate having them every day.

You are NOT Your Body!

Incredible TED talk that reminds us all that we are NOT our bodies...our diagnosis, our perceived imperfections. Very fitting for each of us. No matter what, there is a hope and a purpose for you!
I would be honored to help you find your unique purpose!

And, for those of you that have been following me for some time.. YES! it's time for me to get back to those flying lessons!!

That's When Chiari Came To Town

Lately I find myself writing for hours on end...then posting nothing.
I feel as if in many ways my feelings don't mesh with the reason I started this blog.  My purpose has transformed and I've decided to stop avoiding it and make peace with it.
I realized yesterday how much I have really disconnected with the Chiari community(and really all communities and most people) over the past few months.  I have been somewhat of a hermit while also being somewhat of a social butterfly.  As I review my actions, thoughts, feelings..I try to find balance between the two and I can't.

Chiari for me has taken a backseat in my life.  Not that I am not still deeply affected by this disorder everyday OR that my compassion for my fellow Chiarians has waned.   I believe that what has happened is that I've been successfully able to make a shift in thinking that is not centered on daily symptoms.   Honestly, daily symptoms are merely an annoyance in my life.  Being dizzy= annoying, headache=annoying vision problems=annoying  numbness=annoying  trouble driving=annoying, and of course,  -- having to re-educate a doctor-- double annoying.

Chiari has become a mosquito  that is hummingly flying around my ear.  I'm swatting at it, but moving forward... refusing to let it land, sting or bite.  I believe this is a good thing. Chiari no longer takes up the entire room or overwhelms me.  I'm more positive, more productive, more purposeful.

I believe this happened by default, as I dove into building my coaching business, then became overwhelmed with family issues, I simply forgot to think about my brain, its function, it's lack of function, etc.  We all know memory problems come along with this diagnosis...I'm finding this to be a blessing.  In short... I finally quit thinking so much about MYSELF and got outside of my own head. (Pun Intended)

Last night, a dear friend text me something to the tune of me having a "perfect life".  Funny how our lives, that we deem a mess or out of control or anything but perfect can appear so different to those on the outside looking in.  After a few laughs with my friend, insisting my life was in shambles, I took a few minutes to write down the positive, the really good things in my life..and guess what--
She was right!  My life is perfect.  I am exactly where I need to be for this time in my life and I am doing exactly what I need to be doing.  I am living out loud, fearlessly, boldly and decisively.   I am unapologetic about putting my desires out into this vast universe and standing firm on my non-negotiables.   Long gone are the days of "grinning and bearing it".  Long gone are the days of saying "Yes" when everything in my spirit is saying "NO!". Long gone are the days of not living my purpose.

For awhile I thought my purpose was to spread Chiari Awareness.  Yes, I educate every person that asks about Chiari and no, I don't mince words or sugar coat it.  I also don't wear purple every day or spend all day posting Chiari photos and banners...not that there is anything wrong with EITHER of these activities.  The people that do this are called to do it and I whole heartedly applaud you... But this is NOT my purpose.  My purpose to to advocate, mentor and coach women (and men) with this disorder back into life, to encourage, build up and transform their lives.  THAT is what brings a glow to my cheeks and a spring to my step!  We can still live in spite of this thing..We can still excel,  produce income and make a mark on this world.  We can have not only an ordinary life.. but an EXTRAORDINARY life!!

I was living an ordinary life before I was diagnosed... but when Chiari came to town... riding in on a radiology report (I'm hearing a theme song from a spaghetti western in the background, while Clint Eastwood rides up with my MRI report in his hand)...That's when my best life truly began!  Every experience is a gift, every trip I soak in with a vengeance, every acquaintance I make along the road of this journey ministers more to me than I to them.  

So if you are newly diagnosed, newly decompressed, living in fear, pain, sadness... this is your opportunity to live anew...You can have an extraordinary life! I believe you can and I believe if you will spend some time listing your gifts, your strengths, your desires..then you can find the why of this thing in your life.  Be encouraged that it's not all gloom and doom. Be encouraged that there is life after being diagnosed, after brain surgery, after whatever your situation is!   Grab on to your life! Get busy living it!

And 2014 Goes Out With A Bang!

Guess what happened to me last night...
Wait- Let me rephrase that--  Guess what occurred.

I'm trying really hard to not take a victim mindset on things.  Nothing really just "happens" to me anymore.  My reaction determines my mindset.. my intention helps set the path before me..

So let me frame my day.. I had an eyelash appointment at 9 a.m.   I left home a few minutes late- only to get to the lash studio and find it had been broken in to.. so because of the broken glass--its FREEZING--- Yessinia, the lash guru, finds some blankets and I snuggle in for a relaxing hour of eyelash magic.. when BAM!!--
The table/bed/thing I'm laying on collapses.
COLLAPSES!!!
I, of course, hit the floor.  I try to catch myself.. which leads to instant muscle spasms in my neck.
My first thought, "oh great, we have New Year's Eve plans-- I'll never be able to go out tonight!!!" 
My second thought, "I was supposed to wear a hat to this Mad Hatter NYE party-- no way a hat is going on this head tonight."
My third thought, "With an attitude like mine...I'm doomed. Stop it, change it, set the intention..and so it is." 

And so it was!  As I laid there for the hour getting my lashes all glam- I prayed and visualized. I repeated to myself.. I am healthy, nothing hurts, I am prosperous, I am capable. I am free of pain. All of the cells in my body are healthy and I WILL go ahead with my plans tonight.

And so it was!  I have to share this... Not only did I go to the party.. I stayed until after midnight (quite a feat at my age), wore my hat and even danced... YES-- you read right.. this girl right here, the one that  has trouble sitting for an hour without resting her head on something.. danced...--- to Salt N Pepa ...yep.. Now I know if you are visualizing that you are probably laughing..  (and let me say, I remember when this song came out and it was risqué ...now.. the video seems almost laughable and Salt & Pepa are pretty modestly dressed--I thought I'd post it just for kicks)

The thing is... I was laughing, wearing a little pill box hat, wedge booties,  dancing with my best friend and husband...I felt NORMAL!

I felt as though I had really turned a corner... all I've been learning in my transformational coaching training about positive thought, conscious language, wealth consciousness.. all of it clicked into place-- and for the first time in a long time-- my body didn't dictate my day.

Now, I know you are thinking that's not such a big deal... because I do stay fairly active and work a couple of jobs.. but guess I'm so wowed because I truly grasped what a miraculous event has taken place.  I have been transformed literally by changing my thoughts and intentions.   I stopped wanting to get better and decided to be better.   Yes, my vision is still a wreck and my left foot--still numb.. and only three days ago I had three MRIs.. and I'm currently battling a pressure headache.  I guess my point is that it isn't ruling my world.  The health issue that took center stage for the past two years is no longer in charge.  Life is meant to be lived, not merely survived!

So what happened to me last night?  What occurred?   Nothing miraculous to many people.. but for me...I lived without reserve, danced, laughed. I felt lighter,  I felt happy, I felt victorious.

So let this be encouragement for you if you are not feeling well today, if you (like myself) sometimes have felt trapped in your body, if you just need someone to say.. "Don't give up.."  I'm saying it to you. Nights like last night are to be treasured.  ( I would love it if you would share some of your positive experiences in the comments section. )

Also.. to the right of this post you will now see a button you can click if you'd like to schedule a time to speak with me. I am launching my transformational coaching business this month and would love to schedule a time for us to talk and see if we are the right fit to work together.  I am currently scheduling complimentary discovery sessions...so claim your spot!

Thank you for reading for the past two years...for being on this journey with me through diagnosis, surgery, a wedding, flying lessons, another surgery...loss, sadness, anger, joy--Every time I post I get encouraging feedback and that feedback has been the catalyst of change in my life.  So thank you for reading.. and HOLD ON an INCREDIBLE 2015!  I plan for this positivity, this thirst for life and laughter to be my #newnormal!