Friday, May 10, 2013

No Reserves Left

I feel like I have no reserves left.
I am a bundle of emotionally and neurologically raw nerve endings.
I feel guilty for not being more of a martyr.

I'm dizzy.
I've been dizzy for most of the past 48 hours.
I feel like I did before surgery.
Dizzy, headache...a little bit of tinnitus.., blurred vision.
And every joint I have aches.

I have family in town.
We've been out shopping, however, my constricted cranium and I have been dropped off at home to rest and regroup before dinner tonight.
No matter how much I petitioned, "I'm really okay"..
My new sisters were having none of that.

How frustrating.
What awful timing!!
Why does this have to hit while they are visiting for Mother's Day?
(my husband's mother passed away this year, my surgery was on the day they chose for her funeral--these sweet sisters gave up their brother to me when they needed him more than I, so he could be with me on surgery day-so we flew them out here to spend this first Mother's Day without their mom-)

I just want to scream, shout and plead for some normalcy.
Chiari makes me mad.
It's an invisible, relentless foe.
I have no reserves of energy left to fight it.
No gumption or moxie.
Today I just want to let it win.
Succumb to a life of dizziness, headaches and weirdness.
As the girls dropped me off and left for yet another shopping adventure...I felt tears well up in my eyes.   This diseases is so lonely and isolating.
I changed my clothes, crawled into my bed and thought to myself that I have never felt so alone.
Then I thought of my fellow Chiarians.
Have you felt this way?
If so, I'm sorry..I feel your pain
you are not alone.


  1. Hi Michele...I'm so sorry that Chiari is beating you up so badly. I hope you're feeling better since this post. The ups and downs of this are brutal, but like you said, you are not alone. I felt the best I've felt in a long time on Saturday. I went to watch my wife take her Tae Kwon Do black belt test (she passed) then it was off to coach my son's little league team Saturday night. Then came Sunday, Chiari blindsided me. My poor wife spent Mother's Day with the kids as I slept on the couch all day. I also spent yesterday on the couch. I guess I finally decided to give in to Chiari and spend 48 hours in my own little world. Today is better but not great, but at least I made it the office. I had a comment on my blog from Kat in Australia, she is have a terrible time with dizziness too, she is at

  2. Dave--your posts always cheer me up and make me feel a bit more normal. I totally understand the giving in and staying in your own world...It must be torture on our loved ones and I wish so badly I could make them understand this strange world I live in. I appreciate that you so candidly post about your experiences...and I'm envious that you made it to the office..I've yet to return to work. I'll check out Kat's comments..the dizziness is getting me big time. Hope you are feeling better today.