Thursday, May 23, 2013

Lucky Time

Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of the night..well, not really the middle--sort of the end, or the beginning of the morning. Regardless, I've been waking up at ungodly hours. Many thoughts wander in and out of my head. This awakening is different than any other I've ever had. Until recently, when I awoke, I usually was jerking myself awake due to some horrific dream. Occasionally, those scary dream do still occur, but this new awakening is different.

Before opening my eyes, I visibly see my room. The soft neutral shades of the night. I can feel my husband next to me..and am aware of at least one of our two dogs laying near me. :I sometimes don't even open my eyes, things seem clearer in this realm than in the real world. I see through things, not just see them. No, not like x-ray vision. More like internal vision.

Let me explain. When I awaken, I feel my sweet new husband next to me. We sleep together like a perfect song. I move, he moves. I rollover, he rolls over. Our bodies work in perfect time together, never awkward, never uncomfortable. I feel him, and even with my eyes closed I see him. In my mind's eye I see love, compassion, tenderness. An instant awareness overtakes me. I am safe. I am home. Then I try to move, one of our two little creatures inevitably has their head on my feet. I don't know which one, but I see them, in my heart. I see loyalty and love. I feel their need to be close to us. I feel protected and safe.

I have been lying awake for hours lately. Eyes closed, thinking.  Just thinking.  Pondering my life. How did I get to this place?  How did I  find this sweet man? How did I live unhappily married for so long before? How did I have a brain disorder that went undiscovered for forty-four years? How am I ever going to heal from all of this? How will I ever get a book written? How will I ever get a book published? And so forth and so on until either I must get up because my body aches or Bob's alarm goes off.

I guess I'm writing about this because even in the midst of all of the recent chaos, the surgery, the wedding, physical therapy, going to Europe, more tests, no answers, decreased income, visits with Kaitlyn, etc..I am more at peace than ever.  My spirit is calm and I am okay.  I'm sad in some ways. I'm lonely in other ways. Yet, I'm really, really at peace. My heart feels light. My soul feels unburdened.  I can't really say why. I have no answer. My "friends" have all but disappeared. My job is uncertain. My income has been slashed. My health is questionable.

Perhaps its because I've learned to accept and love myself. Perhaps its because I've allowed myself to be loved. Perhaps my brain is healing, therefore, my emotions are healing. Maybe I'm simply growing up.

Recently, Dave Waters from the blog "Dave's Big Brain" wrote that he is a lucky man. He actually considers himself "lucky" to have Chiari.  I've chuckled about that a time or two. Yeah, right , I thought to myself.  Now, I'm starting to consider myself "lucky" as well.  Lots of alone time due to Chiari surgery has given me so much time to step back and think, analyze, and get things in perspective. Somethings have been painful, like the loss of friendships-or the realization that these people were never really friends to begin with. However, for every painful thing I've endured-something wonderful has taken its place. I lost some friends but then I gained three new sisters.  I've had a lot of pain, but I can hear the birds singing and the rain hitting the roof.  I've missed a lot of work due to Chiari, but I've been home with my sweetie every night and I got to spend almost an entire week with my daughter.

Being awake in the middle of the night..--I think I'm going to start calling it my "Lucky Time"


  1. First I have to tell that I think it is so awesome that you are learning to fly..totally cool.

    Thanks for the mention in your post, I still consider myself lucky, and I'm gald it made you chuckle. It sounds like you are starting to feel better or at least getting more time with less pain. I hope every day gets a bit better for you. Oh, and great writing BTW...I'm looking forward to seeing your published book.

  2. Hi Dave..I'm always glad to get your comments. Yes, I am feeling much better. I have two MRI's in the morning. Prayerfully, they will come back clean and I will finally get released to go back to work. Sometimes I wish I had an office job, then I would already be back. It's the nature of my work as a nurse that keeps my doctor shaking his head.

    Learning to fly is scaring me to death. My husband is a pilot, so I have lots of encouragement and lots of motivation to overcome my fear.

    From a fellow blogger, I take your compliment on my writing as high praise. Thank you for all of the ways you encourage me! I hope you are feeling better these days and wish you a symptom free weekend!