Lately, I've been waking up in the middle of the night..well, not really the middle--sort of the end, or the beginning of the morning. Regardless, I've been waking up at ungodly hours. Many thoughts wander in and out of my head. This awakening is different than any other I've ever had. Until recently, when I awoke, I usually was jerking myself awake due to some horrific dream. Occasionally, those scary dream do still occur, but this new awakening is different.
opening my eyes, I visibly see my room. The soft neutral shades of the
night. I can feel my husband next to me..and am aware of at least one of
our two dogs laying near me. :I sometimes don't even open my eyes,
things seem clearer in this realm than in the real world. I see through
things, not just see them. No, not like x-ray vision. More like internal
Let me explain. When I awaken, I feel my sweet
new husband next to me. We sleep together like a perfect song. I move,
he moves. I rollover, he rolls over. Our bodies work in perfect time
together, never awkward, never uncomfortable. I feel him, and even with
my eyes closed I see him. In my mind's eye I see love, compassion,
tenderness. An instant awareness overtakes me. I am safe. I am home.
Then I try to move, one of our two little creatures inevitably has their
head on my feet. I don't know which one, but I see them, in my heart. I
see loyalty and love. I feel their need to be close to us. I feel
protected and safe.
I have been lying awake for hours
lately. Eyes closed, thinking. Just thinking. Pondering my life. How
did I get to this place? How did I find this sweet man? How did I live
unhappily married for so long before? How did I have a brain disorder
that went undiscovered for forty-four years? How am I ever going to heal
from all of this? How will I ever get a book written? How will I ever
get a book published? And so forth and so on until either I must get up
because my body aches or Bob's alarm goes off.
I'm writing about this because even in the midst of all of the recent
chaos, the surgery, the wedding, physical therapy, going to Europe, more
tests, no answers, decreased income, visits with Kaitlyn, etc..I am
more at peace than ever. My spirit is calm and I am okay. I'm sad in
some ways. I'm lonely in other ways. Yet, I'm really, really at peace.
My heart feels light. My soul feels unburdened. I can't really say why.
I have no answer. My "friends" have all but disappeared. My job is
uncertain. My income has been slashed. My health is questionable.
its because I've learned to accept and love myself. Perhaps its because
I've allowed myself to be loved. Perhaps my brain is healing,
therefore, my emotions are healing. Maybe I'm simply growing up.
Dave Waters from the blog "Dave's Big Brain" wrote that he is a lucky
man. He actually considers himself "lucky" to have Chiari. I've
chuckled about that a time or two. Yeah, right , I thought to
myself. Now, I'm starting to consider myself "lucky" as well. Lots of
alone time due to Chiari surgery has given me so much time to step back
and think, analyze, and get things in perspective. Somethings have been
painful, like the loss of friendships-or the realization that these
people were never really friends to begin with. However, for every
painful thing I've endured-something wonderful has taken its place. I
lost some friends but then I gained three new sisters. I've had a lot
of pain, but I can hear the birds singing and the rain hitting the
roof. I've missed a lot of work due to Chiari, but I've been home with
my sweetie every night and I got to spend almost an entire week with my
Being awake in the middle of the night..--I think I'm going to start calling it my "Lucky Time"