Disclaimer: These are the things that stand out most to me. Use your own judgment and always discuss with your doctor when in question. THIS IS NOT MEDICAL ADVICE.
My Top 10 Things to NOT Do After Brain Surgery:
10. Don't try using a WEDGE pillow- the people that bragged on these things should be strung up- they are miserably uncomfortable. Use pillows you love and stack them. You will not be comfortable laying completely flat for at least 12 months because this increases the pressurized feeling in your head. I was determined the people that recommended this expensive sleeping apparatus knew what they were talking about and wrestled with it for a few weeks before actually returning it to Bed Bath and Beyond (they are about $59).
9. Don't let your narcotics dictate your food choices. To me opiates whisper these two things in my ear- "Cheez-Its" "Reese's Peanut Butter Cups". Have a plan beforehand. Whomever your caregiver is..be firm. They will give you whatever you say you want to eat when you have a fresh zipper in the back of your head...This is FACT. Junk food on an already compromised adrenal system will result in a weight management nightmare.
8. Don't go home without a prescription for nausea medication and muscle relaxers. Oddly enough, the docs are good at throwing out opiates but tend to forget these other two very important pharmaceutical jewels. Ask for sublingual Zofran-it works quickest- and your favorite muscle relaxer. If you don't have a favorite, borrow mine: Flexeril 10 mg. Otherwise when you throw up..and you will throw up, (a combo of dizziness and nausea from the pain meds..) you will have painful spasms in your neck and shoulders (guess how I know?!)..head these off at the pass..ASK FOR THE DRUGS!
7. Don't skip taking your stool softeners. No one likes to talk about poo. Poo is not a popular topic.
You won't even think of poo because you will be glad you don't have to get out of bed to go. But listen to me on this..Day 5 or 6 post op, it will cross your mind, or the doctor will ask you when he calls you post op. Then, your focus will become poo..or the lack thereof. Everyone in the hour will talk about your poo. You will have poo peer pressure. Straining will cause increased head pressure, pain and spasms. Magnesium Citrate is your friend. Buy some preoperatively and put it in the fridge (you can find it at Walgreens or CVS, lemon-lime or grape are the best flavors...guess how I know). Go ahead, get some Miralax and a stool softener (ask your pharmacist what works best). You will thank me later, I promise.
6. Don't wash your hair with baby shampoo. I did this at the recommendation of a well-meaning person in a FB group. The docs don't really specify a shampoo..and this is harsh on your hair. Your hair will change texture a bit as it is, no need to help it turn into straw. Dry shampoos work well for a clean feeling (which is short-lived), but once you start shampooing, use conditioning shampoo. My hair took over a year to get back to it's original texture with this first surgery (I used Burt's Bees Baby Shampoo the first go 'round). This time I used Giovanni Organic Shampoo and Conditioner..and Kerastase Nectar Moisturizing cream..much better).
5. Don't look at your incision immediately upon bandage removal. If you've seen Frankenstein (or my post-op photos)- you can bet you will look just as horrible. You will break down and cry like a baby even though all this time you've been looking at the photos of others and knowing how it will look. A day or two later is better to look, after exposure to the air, the inflammation is decreased and it doesn't look as frightening.
4. Don't go without lip balm on your lips for any length of time the first 2-3 weeks. Your lips will crack, peel and bleed. Drink, Drink, Drink water. Your body needs to stay hydrated to keep your lips, skin healthy during this physically traumatic time.
3. Don't under hydrate prior to and after surgery. Drink, Drink, Drink water prior to surgery (NOT DAY OF), you will be told to not eat or drink after midnight the night before..follow that rule, however, prior to that time, hydrate as much as possible. You will wake up with multiple IV's, probably and arterial line and possibly a central line. I woke up with a 14 gauge (that's a very large gauge) IV in my foot the first time because I was dehydrated. I am usually an easy stick, but I guess being anxious I didn't think to drink. So-you remember: THINK TO DRINK!
2. Don't tease the poor nurse who is starting your IV before surgery or re-sticking you after surgery. Being a nurse myself, I teased my nurse (1st surgery). I told her I am an easy stick and if she couldn't get an IV started on me, she needed a new profession. I was laughing, of course.... until she couldn't get an IV started and had to stick me multiple times and ask for assistance. I woke up looking like I had wrestled with a porcupine. I had the 14 gauge in my foot, an IV in each hand, one in my forearm and an art. line. The ICU nurse told me they had lots of trouble getting patent IV's on me. So with surgery #2, I gulped water down the entire week before and I DIDN'T TEASE THE NURSE. I'm not sure which worked for me..but I had only two regular IV's.. a 20 gauge and and 18 gauge and an arterial line when I woke up. They were able to discontinue my central line in the OR.
1. Don't talk your mom..or anyone else into coloring your hair right after surgery. Around day 7 or post-op (second surgery), my hair color looked horrible to me. I couldn't just be happy being alive. I wanted to look alive. Big dark circles were under my eyes, bruises on my temples, swollen, painful spots from the head fixator stuck out of my hairline, my hands, arms and neck were bruised from the IV's and central line, my lips were cracked and my nails were paper thin from me removing the Shellac from them a few days before surgery. For some reason, I just got fixated on my hair. l sent my mom to Walgreens for necessities, magnesium citrate, pre-packaged enemas (just in case) and Garnier Nutrisse Haircolor: Darkest Brown. What do you think we did first? Drink the mag citrate?..No Way! Once glance at the clock told us Bob wouldn't be home from work for another 45 minutes. So, we used an occlusive dressing, covered my incision and Mom colored my hair. I sat still for 25 minutes, holding my head up on my own while the color set in. It never occurred to me that it would hurt like the dickens to rinse out. See, the nerve endings around the hair follicles are so super sore, even today, 17 days post op, my head feels raw. I still only gingerly brush it. So, when my mom started rinsing out the color...two things happened. 1: I had spasms when I bent my head over to rinse it, so I was in massive internal pain and 2: I couldn't bear her rubbing my scalp because it was so sore, so she didn't. Fast forward to few days later, I keep noticing my fingernails are dirty. I'm constantly washing my hands and complaining until I realized, "Hey, Einstein, you keep scratching your head, which is covered in hair color still...that's not dirt..it's Garnier Nutrisse Darkest Brown!" Yes, I admit it..I did that, all on my own! So please, color your hair a week or so prior to surgery and save yourself some pain and embarrassment!
SO that's my list..use it for what you will. Other, more informative lists can be found on various FB Chiari group pages and on Chiarisupport.org (the Ben's Friend's site).
My Personal Journey with Chiari Malformation Type 1, Arachnoid Cyst, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, Hashimoto's Disease, Craniocervical Instability and Atlanto-Axial Instability.
Showing posts with label Dr Dong Kim. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dr Dong Kim. Show all posts
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Friday, May 2, 2014
Happy Birthday to ME! Happy Birthday to ME! Happy Birthday Dear ME-EE! Happy Birthday to MEEEE!
As you may notice by the way I beautifully sang the title of this blog...I'm feeling better.
No, today is NOT my birthday.
By now, everyone knows I had my second brain surgery only sixteen short days ago on my birthday (April 16-just in case you want to make a note to send me something FABULOUS next year- I'll pause briefly for you to make that note on your calendar.)
I literally waited about forty-five seconds for you to make the notation.
I'm singing because yesterday was a good day.
Yes, I spent eight long hours in our bumpity-bump truck with my head totally uncomfortable the entire time..but two...no, make it three very important things happened yesterday.
Again..in order of importance:
1. Bob, Lindsey and I got to have lunch with Katrina and Misty!
2. I got a BIRTHDAY CAKE!
3. My neuro report card was pretty much an A+ and I'm stitch-free!
Did I mention I got a BIRTHDAY CAKE?
The real reason I got a cake is because almost every day I have said, "Wow, I really do want a piece of birthday cake!" So Lindsey and Bob covertly got with Katrina and Misty--and VOILA! CAKE!
(They all knew I'd never shut up about it otherwise!)
SO! After lunch outside of Houston, we trucked on in to the Medical Center and I saw Dr. Kim.
He was very pleased with my progress so far. We are all very pleased.
Yes, I've still got a little bit of pain..as a matter of fact, I feel like my head is raw on one side.
It's pretty uncomfortable, but I have dealt with much worse, so no worries.
My discussion with Dr. Kim resulted in the following:
He says I'm complicated... that's not a revelation..but I was surprised to know he thinks I'm a complicated case. You see, both Chiari Malformation and Arachnoid Cysts can be congenital-both can be connected to Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome...so it's kind of like a what-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg thing (as a side bar-I believe God created the chicken first..but not sure what HE did with the Chiari-Cyst thing).
If I had syringomyelia like many Chiarians, then that would be more complex, but not complicated.
Complicated could easily be my middle name.
Anyway-
He said if I go a year and a half with no recurrence of symptoms, this was likely a permanent fix.
He said if I go three-four years, we can be sure of it.
He further stated, if symptoms recur, I will have to have a cysto-peritoneal shunt, as opposed to the internal shunts I have now. The little ones I have now are contained basically in my brain, the C-P would go from my brain, down through my body into my peritoneum--basically the abdominal cavity.
He is very hopeful this is a fix.
I'm setting my sights on November 2015. If I can get there with minimal issues, I'll feel like this was successful.
Already, I feel more clear headed, my speech comes more freely, vision has improved and I have improved feeling in my left hand, leg and left side of my face. My hearing is still less than optimal, however, he said that can take awhile to improve, so I'm practicing patience.
While typing this I've experienced two of those horribly painful things I call "brain spasms". Literally, I feel as though my brain squeezes into a tight ball and it hurts so badly. I know my pain meds don't help it..but I'm going to take some anyway, get away from the brightness of this laptop and rest awhile.
I will report more over the next few days..Stay tuned..I'm developing a TOP 10 THINGS TO NOT DO AFTER BRAIN SURGERY list..and how found out they were things to NOT DO! I will post it soon.
Thank you again for your prayers, support and notes of encouragement!
Did I mention I got a BIRTHDAY CAKE?
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| Bob and I with my surprise cake..as you may notice- I am only 8 years old! Thank goodness they didn't put 40+ candles on this cake! |
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| Katrina and I in the front, Misty in the back/middle..My two precious friends. |
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| Bob, Lindsey and I. I'm not quite sure what or who they are looking at..but you get the idea..it was a fun lunch! |
The real reason I got a cake is because almost every day I have said, "Wow, I really do want a piece of birthday cake!" So Lindsey and Bob covertly got with Katrina and Misty--and VOILA! CAKE!
(They all knew I'd never shut up about it otherwise!)
SO! After lunch outside of Houston, we trucked on in to the Medical Center and I saw Dr. Kim.
He was very pleased with my progress so far. We are all very pleased.
Yes, I've still got a little bit of pain..as a matter of fact, I feel like my head is raw on one side.
It's pretty uncomfortable, but I have dealt with much worse, so no worries.
My discussion with Dr. Kim resulted in the following:
He says I'm complicated... that's not a revelation..but I was surprised to know he thinks I'm a complicated case. You see, both Chiari Malformation and Arachnoid Cysts can be congenital-both can be connected to Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome...so it's kind of like a what-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-egg thing (as a side bar-I believe God created the chicken first..but not sure what HE did with the Chiari-Cyst thing).
If I had syringomyelia like many Chiarians, then that would be more complex, but not complicated.
Complicated could easily be my middle name.
Anyway-
He said if I go a year and a half with no recurrence of symptoms, this was likely a permanent fix.
He said if I go three-four years, we can be sure of it.
He further stated, if symptoms recur, I will have to have a cysto-peritoneal shunt, as opposed to the internal shunts I have now. The little ones I have now are contained basically in my brain, the C-P would go from my brain, down through my body into my peritoneum--basically the abdominal cavity.
He is very hopeful this is a fix.
I'm setting my sights on November 2015. If I can get there with minimal issues, I'll feel like this was successful.
Already, I feel more clear headed, my speech comes more freely, vision has improved and I have improved feeling in my left hand, leg and left side of my face. My hearing is still less than optimal, however, he said that can take awhile to improve, so I'm practicing patience.
While typing this I've experienced two of those horribly painful things I call "brain spasms". Literally, I feel as though my brain squeezes into a tight ball and it hurts so badly. I know my pain meds don't help it..but I'm going to take some anyway, get away from the brightness of this laptop and rest awhile.
I will report more over the next few days..Stay tuned..I'm developing a TOP 10 THINGS TO NOT DO AFTER BRAIN SURGERY list..and how found out they were things to NOT DO! I will post it soon.
Thank you again for your prayers, support and notes of encouragement!
Saturday, April 26, 2014
No One Quits
How did I get to ten days post op?
The entire surgical process is fading into my memory.
Mercifully, God has hidden some of the events of the past several days from me.
Mercifully, He has also allowed several to remain.
Consistently across the span of the last few weeks, I've sunken into the depths of despair every day.
Not really a "Why Me?" pity party...
More of a "this is to big for me to carry", hopeless, helpless feeling.
The feeling of wanting to share this burden of sorrow, yet wanting to also hide it from the world.
Like I told Bob yesterday, "I just want to lay here and cry for no specific reason"
Not because of the pain, or even the knowledge that this will likely be a lifelong battle, that very few people can state they are "cured" (and of those who do--it rarely lasts very long).
Crying releases something..like a dam bursting under too much pressure.
Crying somehow validates that I can't carry this burden alone.
Crying gives me the permission to not be "brave" or "strong" or to wear that ridiculous mask of happiness that I feel is expected from me.
Crying is a gift.
Last time I had surgery, in January 2013..I blogged more frequently and earlier after surgery.
I wrote every thought, every ache, pain, wound, realization and "Ah ha!" moment.
Either here or on my CaringBridge site...many people followed as I chronicled the event. I had so much to share, so much to learn, so much to give.
This time has been so very different.
Yes, my eyes have had difficulty with electronics so that kept the writing at bay.
At the same time, I knew I had nothing to really share.
I needed to soak it all in and regurgitate it in a way that really spoke from my heart.
Not just a timeline of events and milestones.
I wanted to share my heart in an unmistakable way, in a way that moves people to action.
As words evolve from my keystrokes, I wonder if I can do justice to all I feel.
My blogging seems redundant and pointless.
I'm living in Blah-ville.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks from some indescribable grief.
I ache.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of seeing the purple flame on Facebook (signifies the death of a person with Chiari),
I tell some friends/family members..another one of us passed away.
They look at me with pity and say nothing.
My phone rings--I look at it. I recognize the name. They are going to ask how I feel.
I let it go to voice mail. Talking is difficult and talking without crying is impossible.
More tears roll down my face.
My head is throbbing now. Too much crying.
Time passes too slowly.
I have foreign objects in my brain now. Permanent foreign objects.
I'm the brain surgery girl.
Overheard on the elevator the other day: "Why do you think she has that bandage on her head? Poor thing! How sad!"
Who would've ever thought it?
I listen to the voice mail from the caller I avoided.
They say they hope I'm feeling better, that they are praying for me and sorry for not calling sooner-but they've had their own issues to deal with.
Really? Who says that?
I've had my own issues too--like having my skull cracked open.
Bitterness slips out of my mouth-as soon as I say it, I admonish myself for being so self-centered.
This is MY world--not theirs. Everyone has their issues.
Funny how mine are more important to me and I'm okay with that..but I resent it when others behave in the same fashion- placing priority on their issues.
How can they act normal when I'm suffering over here? Can't they see, hear and feel my suffering?
Now, not only do I have foreign objects in my head, but I'm selfish too.
I slip down a few rungs on the ladder of despair and cry more.
This is getting out of hand...and my head hurts like hell.
I silently pray for forgiveness for my self-centeredness, for using profanity both silently and audibly,
for not being more grateful and I ask for God's help with the bitterness, the sadness and the disappointment with myself and others.
I turn off the light and try to nap. There is no comfortable way to rest my head. it feels like one big, throbbing bruise. So, I cry some more.
Hot tears on my cheeks make my face feel tight..I hear my own voice in my head..
"No one quits--No one quits..Not today!"
I know my writing is usually a bit more informative, more fact related, more educational...and I'm sure I will get back to that. For now, this is my outlet. As my body physically heals,
I also need emotional and spiritual healing.
I feel my life has once again been spared. I am seeking purpose in all of this.
If you have been where I am, I hope it helps for you to know you are not alone.
Some of our Chiari sisters have taken their own lives because of the pain, isolation, feeling they were a burden. We all have these thoughts cross our minds. We are all subject to despair, sadness and shame. I hope you find refuge in my writing and I hope on your darkest days you are able to look in the mirror, wipe aways your tears, pull yourself together and say, "No one quits--No one quits..Not today!"
Friday, April 25, 2014
"Politics makes strange bedfellows" -- Charles Dudley Warner
I guess we've all heard this famous quote by C. D. Warner.
"Politics makes strange bedfellows."
Honestly, I had to look up the quote to see who actually said it.
I've spend the past 12 days either preparing for surgery, being tested for surgery, having surgery or fighting off the pain of surgery.
What does this have to do with politics?
Nothing.
It's more the "strange bedfellows" I'm rolling around in my head.
The invisible tethers that lately have bound me to total strangers-
Ties that are strong and unbreakable that will join me with people I would have never met otherwise.
Friends/family of choice rather than blood lines or acquaintance.
I feel blessed, fortunate and smiled upon by God to have met these bedfellows.
I see just a glimpse of what He has in store for me through them.
I'm not a typical person. At least I don't think so. I'm not saying I am above or below average.
Just not typical.
I grew up in a small, rural community. I had friends there, but never felt I belonged there.
I yearned for bright lights, big city...excitement, culture, to see things, go places, experience the world.
I've done just that.
I've lived quietly in the country and out loud in the city,
I've gardened, homeschooled and made my own bread.
I've traveled, stayed put and broken free.
I've traveled by train, plane and automobile,
the Metro, the Tube and the Subway.
I've met strangers, found friends and acquired family of choice.
I'm blessed. I'm fortunate..and I am real.
It's the "being real" I'm most proud of.
So now back to the bedfellows....
Having an obscure brain disorder (or in my case, disorders) has been more of a blessing than a curse.
I've met the most amazing people along the way.
A few weeks ago I wrote of finally meeting Katrina.
After about a year of online banter, we met for lunch.
Then she opened her home to me.
Literally.
Opened her home. She picked me up at the airport, took me to her home, I had my own little cabin in her backyard. She fed me, took me to my doctors appointments, had a birthday breakfast for me (with the help of her friend Misty-whom I love, love, love), transported me back and forth from Houston to Dayton to Baytown to Dayton to Baytown..(you get the picture).
I was treated as a queen. The kindness of a virtual stranger touched my heart in ways I will never be able to fully express.
I sat there, looking at her on my last day at her home..thinking of some of my "lifelong" friends that have never shown me this much kindness, this much love.
What makes the difference?
Is it the brain thing? Is it merely the fact that we have similar zippers? If we had met under other circumstances..would we be friends?
I'd like to think so.
Is it because we are both realists? Both givers? Both loyal?
Or because we both know what it's like to be hurt by those people you expect the most from?
I think it's because we know what it's like to look fear in the face, to not take good days for granted,
to cry in the shower so no one hears, to feel abandoned by "friends",
to feel like a disappointment to our spouses and to feel guilty for complaining about our problems when we know things could be so much worse.
I think it's all of the above and even more.
I'm nine days post op today for my second craniotomy in sixteen months.
My body is tired, broken and sore. My spirit is wounded, worn and bruised.
So forgive this melancholy post about bedfellows.
Attribute it to the pain meds, lack of sleep or cabin fever.
But do me a favor- be real. Take it to heart. Pay it forward.
Either be all in or all out. Be a friend or don't. Identify who you are to others, who you portray yourself to be in their lives..and be THAT. You can't be a BFF and not rise to the occasion when the going gets tough. If you can't follow through, get out of the game.
If you don't promise what you can't deliver then no one gets hurt.
Everyone is in need of (and deserves) grace.
Everyone.
So, Charles Dudley Warner, I beg to differ. You stated, "Politics makes strange bedfellows."
I think you are quite wrong.
I think REALISM makes strange bedfellows. By exemplifying the Golden Rule, following through, offering grace, doing the right thing, showing even the merest form of personal integrity,
We set ourselves apart, strangers to the majority of the world...
When we meet a kindred soul, it doesn't matter the situation, background, race, sex or social standing.
We become bedfellows.
We've made our bed--now we have to sleep in it.
So thank you, Katrina.
Yes, we are linked together by this enemy we call Chiari-
But your personal integrity, kindness and love for a virtual stranger have made you my sister.
I'm so honored to call you my friend.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Dr. Kim Visit Results
One of my favorite Grey's Anatomy quotes on an episode that briefly mentions Chiari Malformation:
Now, I'm not saying that I'm not going to get better. I'm not giving up hope or throwing in the towel.
Anyone that truly knows me can attest to the FACT that I am a research hound.
When it comes to medical information, I have to be fully informed. I have to be prepared for every doctor's visit, every medication, every procedure. No matter how outlandish it may seem, if I find it on a list of symptoms that even remotely relates to something I, or anyone I love, experience, I'm going to be in the know. I detest being caught off guard.
I like to excel under pressure, never be at a loss for words (or questions) and never, under any circumstances do I let a physician catch me off my game.
Well, never --until this past week.
I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon. I fully expected a brief visit, focused on the options for shunt placement. I had studied shunts, VP, LP, CP-anti-siphoning devices,
This is what I expected: A burr hole ( just what it sounds like) in the skull, incisions behind the ear, incision somewhere in the abdomen.

THIS I was prepared for. I had my questions ready. What about shunt malfunctions? Shunt infections? Clogged shunts? Shunt revisions?
Outpatient surgery, right? Easy breezy.
Not that I was happy with this option, but at least I was prepared.
Dr. Kim had other plans. First, He and I sat together and took measurements of my arachnoid cyst. Not only has it refilled, but it is actually larger than it was before surgery last year. The pressure from it is pushing my cerebellum right back down into the foramen magnum, back into the place it was before. Thank goodness it's not down quite as far as before-and Dr. Kim is really pleased with the way that portion of my brain looks. He said it's..in a word, "beautiful". (Leave it to a neurosurgeon to make a brain sound attractive.) He discussed all of the above shunt concerns and stated that he would like to avoid those complications and risks. Instead, he wants to do a different surgery, much like the one I had last year.
He will go in through the old scar (zipper) in the back of my head and put little tubes in the cyst (like little drains) that will re-direct it into the normal cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) pathway.
This should keep the cyst drained, relieving the pressure on my cerebellum.
While in there, he will also do a cranioplasty. This will consist of a mesh plate being put in the little part of my skull that he cut out last time. My cerebellum is kind of slumping into that spot.
As I'm sitting there, alone, trying to not look alarmed or dismayed, or even slightly thrown by this unexpected turn of events, he says, "Oh and you will need and ECHO (echocardiogram), because I have to go in pretty deep and will need you in the sitting position this time."
Now, why that is so unsettling, I don't know.
I left that appointment and drove straight back to the airport. I hopped on a plane and went to visit an old friend. This was pre-planned, as I knew I would want to get a firmer grip on things emotionally before seeing Bob, and besides, as long as I wasn't home, this wasn't real.
My plan worked out beautifully (not to be confused with the beauty of my post-decompression cerebellum). I greatly needed the time away, just to laugh and joke around with my friend. However, it did make me a bit sad. I've moved so much over the past few years, I have literally NO close friends nearby. Trust me, at times like this-a girl wants her friends. (and her children and her mommy). Wonder what it's like for people who live in the same place with the same friends for their entire lives? Do they see the treasure that is right before them?
Surgery will come quickly-it will be the day after my birthday, two days after Bob's birthday, four days after our first anniversary and three days before Easter. (Do you remember enough of elementary math to figure that out?)
So, for now, we are making plans. We have to decide what to do with our pets for a week or so, decide where to stay in Houston, what to do about Easter, coordinate travel plans with my mom, arrange our loft in a user friendly way, finish our taxes and so on.
Honestly, I'm still in shock a little. It just doesn't seem real to me that this could be happening again. A little bit of surgery wasn't so hard to conceive of. I just didn't expect this.
I thought the arachnoid cyst was the least of my concerns, my focus has been on Chiari..so much that I have barely skimmed the surface of the available arachnoid cyst resources.
Times like this I do miss close friends and family, I long for a home church, and I wonder why we live so far away from everyone we love.
One thing I know for sure: Whining never got me anywhere. I know that over the next week or so, things will fall into place. As soon as plans are in order, I will feel more confident and will be ready for whatever comes my way. Having a set agenda, a checklist, a schedule of events is comforting to me. As a matter of fact, I just scratched off one item: Write a new blog post.---CHECK!
Below are pictures of the last few weeks..and links to info on arachnoid cysts, Chiari, surgical positioning and my CaringBridge site.
Thank you for reading and for caring. --M
Links:
Positioning: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2265668/
Arachnoid Cysts:
Webinar by my neurosurgeon: https://memorialhermann.adobeconnect.com/_a976765836/p6tcaue0xgc/?launcher=false&fcsContent=true&pbMode=normal (this is lengthy, but if you scroll to about 17 minutes in the arachnoid cyst portion starts)
Fenestration: http://arachnoidcystawareness.com/tag/fenestration/
Chiari:
http://www.conquerchiari.org
http://www.chiariassociation.org
CaringBridge:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/michelerobinson
http://www.chiariassociation.org
CaringBridge:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/michelerobinson
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| Bob and I in London, March 2014 |
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| Katrina and I earlier week in Houston. We finally met face-to-face! |
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| Rosalyn and I catching up in Louisiana earlier this week. We've been friends since high school |
Thursday, February 27, 2014
And Then It Came Back
"And then....it came back..."
I remember reading this words on someone else's Chiari blog, speaking of her post operative experience.
I thought, "How horrible, to go through that awful surgery, to have the elation of beginning to feel great, then the disappointment of symptoms slowly coming back--that would never happen to me-that must be REALLY RARE."
As I type this, I can hear the voice over from ABC's Wide World of Sports: "THE THRILL OF VICTORY....THE AGONY OF DEFEAT!!". (I always wanted to research and find out how many broken bones that poor guy had in the commercial.)
I guess what I'm dealing with right now is the "agony of defeat".
The past few weeks have been particularly troublesome.
Headaches, Muscle Spasms, decreased hearing, blurred vision, trouble speaking, trouble swallowing, Dizziness...vertigo...weird numb sensations..numb face, fingers, back, pelvis.. I shouldn't type "pelvis"..that is very risque for a good Baptist girl...but, hey...it' s the truth. (and at least I'm not posting a picture.). These are all intermittent, yet they can all be present at once, and can all be gone at once, usually it's just the same 4 or 5 things.
I know I shouldn't be.-but I'm a little angry about it. I have been on this "positive in..positive out" mindset for about 4 weeks...and I'm telling you..when I made that declaration-it's like I threw down the gauntlet and my brain said, "We will see just how positive you can be, Little Missy!" (My brain uses the Wizard of Oz voice when it says this, you know, the "I'll get you My Pretty!" voice)
I try..I mean a really think I try to be encouraging. The whole reason I started this blog is to encourage others to fight this thing...to get down and dirty with it...to not let it win, rob our joy or run our lives. Well, my friend--my fight is waning. I'm tired of it, I've had enough and I'm full. When the first few symptoms reared their ugly head this past July, I think I handled it pretty well...then again in October when a few more popped back up...I still looked for the positives. And now, while I do look for the positives...and feel blessed in many ways...I still have to get out what and how I'm feeling and I just feel...in a word...BAD.
I've become a liar. I make no apology for it. I'm a stinking liar. When someone says, "How are you feeling?" I say, "I'm fine" or "I feel good". Who really wants to hear, "I feel like crap, I can't feel the left side of my face and everything you are saying to me sounds like the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher (wah wah wah wa wa wah), the back of my head is pulsating with every heartbeat and my right hand has been numb since 6 pm last night (time now..10:26 a.m.), about every other hour I think,"maybe I should go to the emergency room" , remind myself of all the Chiarians that have recently passed away (9 this year that we know of), then brush it off by saying to myself-"Quit whining-it could be soooo much worse". I KNOW no one wants to hear THAT. So, "I'm fine" basically covers it.
I feel like there is no one to tell (thank you, Katrina Powell for FB chatting with me enough to get me out of that funk for a few hours) that I can be real with. Whether that is reality or my skewed perception--I have no clue. I just feel horrible. I'm sad. I'm disappointed and I literally do not know what to do next.
Current doctor standings..picking up MRI tomorrow to Fed Ex to Dr. Kim. Concerned that this has recurred because my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome issues were not addressed prior to first surgery which may have resulted in the re- accumulation of fluid in the arachnoid cyst area and my cerebellum settling right back down where it was)..so also sendiing fillms to EDS specialist in Bethesda, Maryland,..Honestly-I don't want to be my own advocate anymore. I want someone else to do it. (Thank you, Desiree Twait for all of the info you have provided me on EDS and CCI (cranio-cervical intability).
Tonight, my husband looked at me and said, "Are you depressed?" I said, "no".. but am I ? Desiree suggests that I haven't gone through the "grieving process" for my old life..maybe that's true-but since I've had issues my entire life..what did I really lose? Some friends......yes. I grieve for that, friends are really important and I truly envy people with long term illnesses that have people that are there with them-in the trenches-fighting the fight-crying for the disappointments and cheering for every victory (Misty Daley..your bestie is truly blessed). I feel sad that I don't want to go to movies and am not up for running upstairs to the gym to work out. I'm sad that I know working full-time as an RN is so challenging that I'm afraid of it. I'm embarrassed that I say the wrong thing A LOT and people always point it out and I feel stupid. I'm disappointed that I have to explain this ridiculous condition to the same people over and over because I want them to do their own research...to come along side me and guide me to the next step, whatever that is.I'm mad at myself for being disappointed with them.
And I really feel bad that my husband has to deal with all of the above, every day. I'm sure if he were completely honest, he would admit the relief he would feel if he could simply send me back in for a refund.
So..yes..maybe I am depressed. Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this in an open forum.
Maybe I should just continue the lie.
But then again...maybe you, or someone you love feels the same way..so maybe it needs to be said.
Maybe just having a voice makes a difference. Maybe this is just an elaborate pity party on my part.
But do me a huge favor..Don't tell me to put on my "big girl panties" and deal with it (I've always despised that expression). I might have to knock you smooth out--or in the words of Bon Qui Qui-- "I will cuuut you".
Just let me whine and lick my wounds. The fighter in me will return- I'm sure of it.
And when she does...she will track down that meek little voice whispering, "And then...it came back", wrestle it to the ground, slap a muzzle on it and lock it away for a good long while.
After all, I am from Mississippi.
I remember reading this words on someone else's Chiari blog, speaking of her post operative experience.
I thought, "How horrible, to go through that awful surgery, to have the elation of beginning to feel great, then the disappointment of symptoms slowly coming back--that would never happen to me-that must be REALLY RARE."
As I type this, I can hear the voice over from ABC's Wide World of Sports: "THE THRILL OF VICTORY....THE AGONY OF DEFEAT!!". (I always wanted to research and find out how many broken bones that poor guy had in the commercial.)
I guess what I'm dealing with right now is the "agony of defeat".
The past few weeks have been particularly troublesome.
Headaches, Muscle Spasms, decreased hearing, blurred vision, trouble speaking, trouble swallowing, Dizziness...vertigo...weird numb sensations..numb face, fingers, back, pelvis.. I shouldn't type "pelvis"..that is very risque for a good Baptist girl...but, hey...it' s the truth. (and at least I'm not posting a picture.). These are all intermittent, yet they can all be present at once, and can all be gone at once, usually it's just the same 4 or 5 things.
I know I shouldn't be.-but I'm a little angry about it. I have been on this "positive in..positive out" mindset for about 4 weeks...and I'm telling you..when I made that declaration-it's like I threw down the gauntlet and my brain said, "We will see just how positive you can be, Little Missy!" (My brain uses the Wizard of Oz voice when it says this, you know, the "I'll get you My Pretty!" voice)
I try..I mean a really think I try to be encouraging. The whole reason I started this blog is to encourage others to fight this thing...to get down and dirty with it...to not let it win, rob our joy or run our lives. Well, my friend--my fight is waning. I'm tired of it, I've had enough and I'm full. When the first few symptoms reared their ugly head this past July, I think I handled it pretty well...then again in October when a few more popped back up...I still looked for the positives. And now, while I do look for the positives...and feel blessed in many ways...I still have to get out what and how I'm feeling and I just feel...in a word...BAD.
I've become a liar. I make no apology for it. I'm a stinking liar. When someone says, "How are you feeling?" I say, "I'm fine" or "I feel good". Who really wants to hear, "I feel like crap, I can't feel the left side of my face and everything you are saying to me sounds like the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher (wah wah wah wa wa wah), the back of my head is pulsating with every heartbeat and my right hand has been numb since 6 pm last night (time now..10:26 a.m.), about every other hour I think,"maybe I should go to the emergency room" , remind myself of all the Chiarians that have recently passed away (9 this year that we know of), then brush it off by saying to myself-"Quit whining-it could be soooo much worse". I KNOW no one wants to hear THAT. So, "I'm fine" basically covers it.
I feel like there is no one to tell (thank you, Katrina Powell for FB chatting with me enough to get me out of that funk for a few hours) that I can be real with. Whether that is reality or my skewed perception--I have no clue. I just feel horrible. I'm sad. I'm disappointed and I literally do not know what to do next.
Current doctor standings..picking up MRI tomorrow to Fed Ex to Dr. Kim. Concerned that this has recurred because my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome issues were not addressed prior to first surgery which may have resulted in the re- accumulation of fluid in the arachnoid cyst area and my cerebellum settling right back down where it was)..so also sendiing fillms to EDS specialist in Bethesda, Maryland,..Honestly-I don't want to be my own advocate anymore. I want someone else to do it. (Thank you, Desiree Twait for all of the info you have provided me on EDS and CCI (cranio-cervical intability).
Tonight, my husband looked at me and said, "Are you depressed?" I said, "no".. but am I ? Desiree suggests that I haven't gone through the "grieving process" for my old life..maybe that's true-but since I've had issues my entire life..what did I really lose? Some friends......yes. I grieve for that, friends are really important and I truly envy people with long term illnesses that have people that are there with them-in the trenches-fighting the fight-crying for the disappointments and cheering for every victory (Misty Daley..your bestie is truly blessed). I feel sad that I don't want to go to movies and am not up for running upstairs to the gym to work out. I'm sad that I know working full-time as an RN is so challenging that I'm afraid of it. I'm embarrassed that I say the wrong thing A LOT and people always point it out and I feel stupid. I'm disappointed that I have to explain this ridiculous condition to the same people over and over because I want them to do their own research...to come along side me and guide me to the next step, whatever that is.I'm mad at myself for being disappointed with them.
And I really feel bad that my husband has to deal with all of the above, every day. I'm sure if he were completely honest, he would admit the relief he would feel if he could simply send me back in for a refund.
So..yes..maybe I am depressed. Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this in an open forum.
Maybe I should just continue the lie.
But then again...maybe you, or someone you love feels the same way..so maybe it needs to be said.
Maybe just having a voice makes a difference. Maybe this is just an elaborate pity party on my part.
But do me a huge favor..Don't tell me to put on my "big girl panties" and deal with it (I've always despised that expression). I might have to knock you smooth out--or in the words of Bon Qui Qui-- "I will cuuut you".
Just let me whine and lick my wounds. The fighter in me will return- I'm sure of it.
And when she does...she will track down that meek little voice whispering, "And then...it came back", wrestle it to the ground, slap a muzzle on it and lock it away for a good long while.
After all, I am from Mississippi.
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