Truth is.. I didn't think I would. I'm forcing myself to write this post.
Is there an update on my health status? No, not so much.
I did contact my neurosurgeon. He did order an MRI. I did have it done.
I worked the day after my MRI, promising myself to overnight the cd to my neurosurgeon the next day.
That was weeks ago.
That night, we were awakened in the middle of the night by a call that our college age daughter had been involved in a violent crime. Actually, we were just called by our very calm daughter telling us she was with the police. However, as the details became clear and I hopped on a plane to go to what I thought would be a one day visit down to meet with police...I realized (and am still realizing) the
magnitude of what has happened.
Every day gets a little bit easier and a little bit more difficult.
Every day I find a little more joy and a little more sadness.
At the same time, every day I am grateful to still have my precious daughter.
I am not including details, as they are not needed and it's better to keep some things vague for everyone's sake.
I'll just say the random thoughts that have crossed my mind.. I feel I need to say something.. I've had a few messages from the Chiari community asking if I am okay...and the answer is yes, I am. I'm broken on the inside.. in at least a million pieces. So, here is my rambling list of thoughts.....
I'm sorry. I have let down a few of you, there were surgeries I was supposed to attend, support I wanted to and planned to give, cards I intended to mail. I still have the intent, however, most days I feel all I can do is get to work and get through the day. The weight of what has hit our family is so big, carrying it seems to be all I am able to manage.
I am stubborn. I am stubborn and selfish. I am not answering calls still, except for a select few people. I can't. I won't. I flat out refuse. Usually when I talk, I cry..and I can't cry all the time. I just can't. I've drawn a line that I'm not allowing myself to cross. My husband intercedes on my behalf where he can, besides that...my main focus is taking care of my daughter. I'm being stubborn about it. I'm sure you understand.
I am shocked. I'm shocked at the petty people who will always hold grudges, meaningless grudges, at a time when people need to unite. I'm shocked at the callous comments of people who are "in the know", who seem to poke around for details, just for the sport of being able to have a juicy morsel to "share in love" with their church, their neighbor, or anyone who will listen. Get over yourselves already. There are so many more important things in life than holding a grudge, some misplaced sense of loyalty, or searching for some detail in order to have the most interesting prayer request at church. This is the time to band together, to live what we preach and to for goodness sakes, have the decency to respond to messages or emails without feeling like you are somehow betraying some misplaced sense of loyalty. Are we not of the same mind? Of the same heart? Of the same family?
I am saddened. Of the things that have happened in my life...health battles, divorced parents, my own divorce, brain surgeries x 2, various abuses---I have never had anything just wipe me out like this. Sleep escapes me, yet I'm so very tired. I feel like I have to be on go all the time, ready at any moment should a dragon arise that I must slay. My headaches, vision problems and vertigo do little but anger me. I brush them away with the resolve of a warrior. I have no time for Chiari right now. No time for neurosurgeons, neurologists or another surgery. I only have time to press on to the next thing on the list and that action, that pressing on, is the glue that holds all of my million of pieces together.
I am sublime. Yes, sublime: meaning great or magnificent. How could I not be? I am a mother. I don't mean I'm all, "Happy Happy Joy Joy"... I mean, my bond with my daughter is so great.. so big, so wonderful... I literally feel her pain, her joys, her fear. How fortunate am I? These times, these times that are so dreadful we cannot speak, but we can only look at each other with tear-filled eyes and know there is no need for words... these are the times that remind me how awe-inspiring being a mother really is. When I make phone calls on her behalf and take up an offense for her, I am honored that I have this position -that she was entrusted to me. I am so grateful to be her mom. So grateful that her brother loves her so very much. So grateful to know that we all have each other. So grateful for a husband that supports my decisions and loves my children. So grateful for my precious daughter that even in the face of such pain shows such compassion, such grace, such resilience. How magnificent is that?
So, dear Chiari friends... I will ask for your understanding for my absence, but I'll not apologize for it. I will update when I can, where I can, as I can. Everything with my health is on hold for the foreseeable future. If you are looking for support in Texas, namely the DFW area.. private message me and I'll see someone contacts you.
When you finish reading this, go hug someone you love a little tighter, smile a little bigger, laugh a little longer. Life is precious and family is a miraculous gift. In light of all this, my big brain problem doesn't seem bad at all. Perspective.
